An unsent letter to a friend
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Dear M,
I came from a therapy session of sorts with N'a in the kitchen, baking biscotti, hoping that this sense of defeat will disappear or at least hurt me less than it has today. I did not count on failing this test, reason why perhaps I reacted in such a dramatic manner. I am sorry for making you feel bad earlier today, as I didn't mean to do that. You have enough stress as it is, so you don't need me adding more to it - I was mostly just disappointed in myself for not managing to get through this hurdle in order to keep going. I was so convinced that I was going to at least pass that the fact that I didn't crushed all my hopes...
Failing the test is not a big matter on the greater scale of things, as you wrote. But it was the only true indicator of how much I had learned in this institution, and I feel like failing it just shows that I haven't necessarily learned as much as I had hoped I had. It doesn't make me want to give up in any way, as I will be even more determined now to succeed than I was before, but it saddens me that I have to redo something that I could have passed. I used to be so self-confident and so sure of success before I got to Oxford. It all seems to have trickled away now, but my hope is still there, and so is my ambition to do well. I know I will wake up tomorrow stronger than before and will try harder than I have ever done.
I am grateful for the outcome in many ways - it is a good push in the right direction, however difficult and harsh it may be. I am also grateful that I have the fortune of knowing you and counting you among the friends who understand me better than I sometimes understand myself...
I came from a therapy session of sorts with N'a in the kitchen, baking biscotti, hoping that this sense of defeat will disappear or at least hurt me less than it has today. I did not count on failing this test, reason why perhaps I reacted in such a dramatic manner. I am sorry for making you feel bad earlier today, as I didn't mean to do that. You have enough stress as it is, so you don't need me adding more to it - I was mostly just disappointed in myself for not managing to get through this hurdle in order to keep going. I was so convinced that I was going to at least pass that the fact that I didn't crushed all my hopes...
Failing the test is not a big matter on the greater scale of things, as you wrote. But it was the only true indicator of how much I had learned in this institution, and I feel like failing it just shows that I haven't necessarily learned as much as I had hoped I had. It doesn't make me want to give up in any way, as I will be even more determined now to succeed than I was before, but it saddens me that I have to redo something that I could have passed. I used to be so self-confident and so sure of success before I got to Oxford. It all seems to have trickled away now, but my hope is still there, and so is my ambition to do well. I know I will wake up tomorrow stronger than before and will try harder than I have ever done.
I am grateful for the outcome in many ways - it is a good push in the right direction, however difficult and harsh it may be. I am also grateful that I have the fortune of knowing you and counting you among the friends who understand me better than I sometimes understand myself...
