Up Too Late: An Endless Search for Mr.Right & Other Important Things in Life

(Check out my new photos on Flickr, including a "Best of 2006" photo set, featuring "Mushrooms and a girl")

Before you start wondering who Chelsea is, I want to write about the past day and a half I spent in Ottawa, as it's been one of the best things that I could have done in this week.

I met up with Renee, whom I hadn't seen in, um, well, a long, long time...First of all, we ended up waiting in different meeting points like two losers (I was in front of the monument to the Native ommunity on near the Ottawa City Hall, and Renee was waiting near the Human Rights Monument near the City Hall, around a 5-minute walk away) . Actually, maybe we looked like two lonely people about to get lucky with a (blind) date they set up with some stranger online...

Finally, we found each other and went to a great Italian restaurant (I think it was called Vittoria Trattoria) in the Market, Ottawa's happening place for restos, bars and pubs. Renee gave me her update and I mine. She also gave me advice on the Jorge situation, from now on to be called "the J situation". I vowed to her, while holding an empty package of fruit-flavoured gum, that I would contact J on Thursday. Renee is someone who, with her soft voice and melting smile, is able to convert you to her thinking. I couldn't help it but agree. I also made her promise she would do something and, hopefully, she will be reminded of it if/when she reads this. I am hoping to see her before I leave Ottawa tomorrow.

I got to my B&B and after chatting with the co-owner of the place for close to two hours on topics ranging from pets to euthanasia to learning French, I headed off to bed at around 2 am.

This morning was a lazy morning, as I didn't do much, aside from planning some points for a meeting I had come to Ottawa for. I was very excited because it is a project I have initiated and would like to see grow over time. After the meeting today, I'm confident it will. :)

I went to lunch with Gina to a place that had a Latin/Spanish feel to it. The resto was the "Memories" restaurant, in the Market again. It was Gina's suggestion, and I jumped at the idea of a resto that serves good sandwiches.

I brought my laptop with me, so I could have her read my blog post on the J situation. I find online, I am more objective than in real life, so this was my solution to subjectivity in my emotions. Gina posed an interesting question that made me think. She asked if I noticed Jorge's "attraction" signs BEFORE I started having feelings for him. It confused me further. What if the J situation is my construct? What if I am making it all up? Oh, no :(

It was good to see Gina, though. She is someone who I can count on when it comes to advice. Last week, at a teleconference call, apparently I sounded serious, so she sent me an e-mail checking if everything was ok. I really appreciated that. It really summarizes the essence of what friends are for: Being there when you need them and vice versa. I hope I can be there for her when she needs me.

At the B&B, I met someone else who is staying here, a girl from England teaching English at Abitibi, Quebec, a town called Amos. She is here for the school break, as she wanted to see a bit of Ottawa.

Dinner was a dinner at a Lebanese halal resto in the West of Ottawa, a place called Les Grillades. The food was delicious (boneless grilled chicken, various salads, etc.), and the conversation even better (varying from atheism to Bosnian war crimes to why I shouldn't study law next year). I really, really enjoyed myself talking to Hilary, Lily and Keith. They are the kind of people who inspire me to want to be like them. Their knowledge of current issues is so complete, so multi-faceted, I wish everyone thought like they do, considering every aspect of a problem, thinking about all the different perspectives present.

It's an incredible thing that happens when I'm in the company of close friends. Not only do I feel relaxed, happy and pleased to see them, I actually go through a moment of bliss, this feeling that I get from their presence. What results is a deep feeling of gratitude for being this lucky to have such faithful friends and to be surrounded by such inspiring people. I forget about my silly talk and silly points on boy trouble and self-obsession. Instead, I am immersed in the lives, words, stories of these men and women I haven't seen in such a long time...

So, who is my new admirer? Chelsea, a dog that Brian & Sid, the owners of the B&B got after they put down their 21-year-old blind, deaf and arthritic dog Jessie. Chelsea is super-hyper, active, doesn't bark, likes me and just to be unique, in an effort to drive me off other dogs, bites her own ear. If only she could be a he, and if only he could be a man., and if only that man could be someone I've been thinking of...

I was thinking of Ottawa as a city and I couldn't find a better way to describe it than to show this photo, where the Department of National Defense is next to a shopping mall. What other country values national defense as much as shopping? I LOVE IT!

Tomorrow's plan: Possibly go to the National Gallery to see a Ron Mueck exhibition, have lunch with Deb and Corinne, two other close friends, and see Renee, all before 4 pm, when I'm taking the train to get back to Montreal.

Ok, he called...Just as I was getting ready to go out. he said he noticed he had a message from me yesterday, but he got it late. This makes me think, whatever. He asked when I was coming back. I told him I'm back in Mtl. on Thursday....he changed the subject....C'est clair :) ...I got my answer.

Many things happened in the last few days, including an outing on Thursday to the Metro Lounge in downtown Montreal for a friend's birthday where, instead of giving gifts to the host, my friend David and I got presents, in exchange for a spanking on the ass (the guy giving out the gift bags that had briefs from Ginch and Gonch (I got these ) apparently has a spanking fetish.

David was shocked as I asked for a pair of undies for Miranda Bradshaw: "What if people think YOU will wear them now?"

I should be happy as this is the reading week at UQAM, a week when reading is replaced by partying, going out and celebrating the week when you see none of your profs.

Montreal is also in a good mood, it's wonderfully sunny, no wind in the air, just beautiful.

But, I've been feeling down the last few days.

It all started on Friday with the brunch that I was to have with Jorge, the guy I mentioned in my previous entry as "a new friend I made a couple of weeks ago". We went to Piz Pistol, which was filled with office workers, including a guy I'd met at a gay film festival a few months ago, who has been inviting me everywhere and anywhere. Now I know how it feels to be rejected...

Hmmm, well, the brunch would have been like any other brunch with friends, had Jorge not started asking me odd questions (for a friend, anyway), like "so, what's your type?" and "what do you look for in a guy?". I replied to all the questions and asked them back, but something changed in the way I looked at him now. He kept asking me things about my type, and then, at the end, he would look at me and say "but you're not looking for anyone, because you just want to make new friends, right?" (what I told him when he asked me what I was looking for, a couple of weeks ago).

I started to wonder whether he was asking me these questions for simple curiousity, conversation or whether he was interested in the essence of my answers. So, in doing that, as I listened to his answers, well thought-out, down-to-earth formulations that made me ponder hours later...The problem with me is, when I like someone, I get nervous...and when I get nervous, I talk a lot. So, I talked away all day...

I began to look at him as a potential date. I wondered what it would be like to go out for dinner together, go out to the movies, cuddle together, ...

Friday was strange for a number of reasons. Not only because I revealed to him that I would never tell a guy if I liked him (he asked: would you tell a guy you liked him, if you did?), but also because I told him all of my failures and silly moments in relationships past. See, when you're just friends with someone, you can say things you would say to someone you would date...But then, at the end of the day, I regretted having told him about all the pathetic points of previous relationships, my failures as a b/f, etc.

So it was supposed to be a brunch that should have lasted at most 2 hours. Guess how long we were out together, talking and window-shopping? 7 hours... and during all this time, I kept asking him if he had to go home, always getting a "no, man, i'm free, nothing to do..."

At the end of the day, he revealed he wasn't a big fan of shopping. I was floored, as most of the day, that's all we had done. So I looked at him and asked, "why didn't you tell me?" ... I don't remember what he said, but it was something along the lines of it not being an issue.

I had to get back to the residence to get ready to go out with friends to a shisha bar, so I told him I was going to get the metro and he said he, too, was going to go home. I wondered that night what that day was, and I still do...

On the weekend, I did a number of things, including destroying an 80-year old antique table at work by ironing my dress shirt on it while thinking of him and listening to Julie London sing "Misty" ("walk my way, and a thousand violins begin to play").

Miranda Bradshaw (former Carrie Bradshaw of Montreal) and I had some mutual phone therapy by sharing each other's worries and hopes. She is great at consoling me, always suggesting alternatives. Somehow, she has become my confidante... :) ... She suggested I tell him how I felt.

I got the courage to call him yesterday to ask him if he wanted to go take some pics on the old port (he does photography, too) and I was going to ask him if he was up for a date, so I called, but all I got was the answering machine and his message in Torontonian English and an accented French. So I didn't hear from him...Now, it's 11 am and I haven't heard back from him ... So I get his point.

I took loads of pics, some of which are on this post. I also bought a new pair of all-stars, so my feet thank me...wee :)
I'm glad I'm going to Ottawa to some meetings and to visit some close friends. It will be good to escape this whole silliness I've gotten myself into. Sometimes I wish I wasn't this complicated. I'm afraid of getting hurt by guys, but I hurt myself more this way, always unsure of what I'm getting myself into...

By the way, I didn't get fired for my little Julie London mishap. The manager was impressed by my "honesty" and said it was only an accident (wow, I wish everyone reacted like that to the destruction of an antique table worth thousands of dollars).
I don't know if I'm happy or sad about that. I wanted to have a break from the the ludicrous 11-hour shifts...Then again, getting fired IS embarrassing.

P.S: I used to hate this song, but while writing this entry, I couldn't stop myself from playing and replaying it. Dido's "Do you have a little time?" ... Listen to it here

I'm off to pack...

Labels: accident, Dido, journal de montreal, Julie London, men, mp3, photography

Here's what's happened in the last 24 hours:

---I have found out Mika is playing in Montreal on March 19th at Club Soda [Tickets are only $20.50...no one knows about him yet :)] ... Feeling: EXCITED!

---I talked to Siscu, a very good friend whom I haven't seen for well, hmmm, seven years now. He is an artist living in Catalonia, but he works with an NGO that I was involved with, which is how we met, so we keep in touch by e-mail and lately, through MSN. It was really good to talk to him, especially since he shared stories from his latest trips to the Occupied Territories and the Mexico-Guatemala border. I had missed conversations about the past. You know me, if there is no melancholy in the chat, you'd better leave it....Feeling: Content :)

---I chatted with an Egyptian-born biologist in his early twenties who, upon telling me he was closeted, added that what he was going to add was going to sound "utterly pathetic, but I really have to say it, in hopes that you pay attention to it"...He said he wished he had gay friends and when I asked him why he didn't have them, he said the only friend he had was deported. I felt so bad for the guy, but then again, when do you really know when someone is telling the truth when you chat to them online?

---I stayed up almost all night writing a second version of a research paper looking into the death of Mohamed Annas Bennis, a Montrealer shot in December 2005 by the local police. My paper will look into the validity of some claims that it was a case of racial profiling. Staying up all night meant I missed my favourite class on politics in Canada and Quebec yesterday morning... Feeling: Exhausted and sleepless :(

---Carrie Bradshaw of Montreal, who is going through her own time crunch, helped correct my otherwise terrible French writing and transformed it into something so beautiful, when the prof asked what a sentence meant [when i submitted it], I looked at it, still pondering on its meaning, and trying not to act surprised at the beauty of the writing, elaborated something that distracted her from what was on paper... Feeling: Sooo thankful and sooo happy it's done! :)

---I MSN'ed Jorge, a new friend I made a couple of weeks ago. We share common interests in Balkanophilia [love of the Balkans...i don't know if that's a word] and all things exotic, so We made a trip to Orienthe a couple of Fridays ago and chatted for hours on in. At the end of the evening, he asked whether I was looking for a relationship with someone, fun [meaning sex] or just friends, to which I thought I was clear in replying that no, I had no time to get into any relationship mess as I am leaving Montreal in a couple of months...Hmmm, well, last night, I asked him if he wanted to meet up again as I wanted to lend him some of the movies I found made in the Balkans. We decided we'd go to Nyk's, this restaurant place in the downtown area for lunch on Friday... I asked if he wanted to come to my res as a meeting place, since it was on his way down from his house and he said "no, i'll meet you at the metro"...I know I am becoming a freak, but does this mean he thinks I wanted something else? ...weird...If I did, I'd make it clear to him. Feeling: confused...

---I woke up this morning after an 8.5 hour sleep and I feel amazing. I haven't slept this much in well, let's see, two months. I was supposed to work this morning, but I called at work and said I wouldn't be going in. I was far too tired to work with 90 disinterested, hormone-crazed students [though...and I will write about this another time, I think I will miss them when my contract is over in April]....Sleeping feels SOOOOOO GOOOD!

GQ published an exceptional article this month on the current problems Iraqi gays are going through, in an effort to make an exit for the West, the unreachable fortress for many gravely in need of its help.

It has to be mentioned, however, that many Iraqis, gay or straight, die on their way to freedom, aka Europe/North America/anywhere but Iraq.

The exceptional nature of Ali Hili's case [and thousands of other Iraqi gays, for that matter] is that they are hated by everyone in Iraq. Being gay is not the best thing to be when you're Christian (except for United Church Christians), Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu and well, add to that homophobia that develops as a result of cultural influence of men assuming their role in the society as the providers of, among other things, fluid for reproduction ... It may be funnily termed, but it's true...

It is sad to see that a society that once, long time ago, was an open haven for libertarian ideas and lifestyles, including sexually diverse communities, is today attacked by the fans of monosexuality. I call it that because uniquely, attempting to heterosexualize a whole world can only bring a dictatorial nature to something that should be enjoyed, but is instead repressed.

Below is the intro. to the article by David France(Kudos!). It's an extremely emotional article, an account many of us would be unable to even imagine, especially not from our homes on this side of the fortress.

you can read the full article on GQ or click on the title below.

DYING TO COME OUT: THE WAR ON GAYS IN IRAQ
Ali Hili is a gay Iraqi whose government forced him to spy on other homosexuals. Now, after a daring escape from his home country, Hili is doing everything he can to make up for the past...

Other articles:
Gay Rights and the War in Iraq [The Drop]
Gay Iraqis Fear for Their Lives [BBC]
Iran Exports Anti-Gay Pogrom to Iraq [In These Times]

Image courtesy of Channel4

Labels: gay, GQ, human rights, iraq, media, men, middle east

I just couldn't pass up writing about Mika, the newest pop sensation in well, the world. I would have said the UK, but it appears anything that is big in the UK nowadays, is big anywhere.

So, anyway, Mika, great singer... His album, "Life in Cartoon Motion" came out in the UK, I heard his song "Relax" two days ago on popbytes , and today, i couldn't get enough of "relax, take it eaaaaasy, there is nothing that we can do...", I went to a music store to get the CD. Alas, it comes out on the 27th in Montreal...

The Freddy Mercury-esque voice, followed by semi-electronic pop music just does it for me...

It appears tabloids have already started with their "Is Mika gay?" scandals...Rumour has it, he is, but so what? No one gets that excited when George Clooney is confirmed straight... except, of course, gay men, who don't actually get excited, but saddened by the fact ["awwwww, but we really wanted him to be a friend of Dorothy...*sigh*.."]. In an interview he did, he said he did not want to discuss his sexuality with the media, which I think is right. What's it to the world to know what he does in his bed?

So, for those of you wanting to hear more of Mika, buy his album. The singer, born in Beirut, raised in Paris and living in London is deserving of a listen and after that, your money. I know I am getting the album ASAP...

Here are two of his songs: Relax [Take it Easy] , Grace Kelly , courtesy of Popbytes

Labels: Mika, mp3, pop music

I never had the chance to meet Yannick Nézet Séguin, Montreal Metropolitan Orchestra's Artistic Director in the last few seasons. Seeing his photo, however, makes me want to go and suffer through hours of classical jumbo (some of which can be very good, to its credit).

He's cute, smart and into classical, something I'm not into. See? It's a perfect combination.

Anyway, Yannick Nézet Séguin, the guy soon directing the Rotterdam Philharmonic orchestra. so cute, and maybe into guys :)

Labels: classical music, cute, men, Montreal, mr.right

On an early Sunday morning last week, I witnessed an event that really made me think of why Montrealers are sometimes perceived as cold people like in most metropoles of the world.

It was 7:20 am and i was once again late getting the subway to work. I needed to be there at 8 and getting the subway at 7:15 meant i would get to work at 7:40, which is 20 minutes before my official start of the pay day. Somehow, though, I have become extremely worried about being late, seeing as i have a good record of procrastinating, that I feel much more relaxed when i get the early subway.

Anyway, that didn't happen on Sunday. What did happen is that I sat down on a bench and was starting to wonder whether I should stand up, as my bum was getting cold from the ceramic tiles the bench was made of when a woman passing nearby changed the whole dynamics of what was cold, with me, her and Montreal.

A man sitting next to me on the bench asked, in English, the twenty-something woman wearing tight jeans and looking around as if she were lost: "May I help you?"

Woman in tight jeans and white winter parka: "Do I look like I need help?"
Man with grey hair in thirties: *with a slight French accent* Well, you were looking around as if you were looking for something...
Woman...: Does that mean I need help? Are you saying I'm stupid? *In an accusatory tone* Do you think I'm a stupid woman? Man...: Well, I'm sorry...you know what? forget it...I just wanted to help, that's all... Woman: Yeah? Well, next time, you should help someone because you want to help them, not because you're interested in their ass.
Man: *now disconcerted, now looking everywhere, with no aim, nervous* I said I was sorry, what more do you want?
Woman:.... [couldn't hear anything...the subway had arrived]

I thought about this man all day. In a way, I wanted to stop her and say "hey, don't flatter yourself. He just wanted to help." Besides, even if he WAS interested in her, there are more polite ways of expressing herself, rather than cause drama in a senseless, rude and extremely impolite way.

I felt bad for him. I could see myself in his actions. I would probably have asked someone the same question if I saw them looking vulnerable.

I wondered what this foolish incident made him think, whether he will ever ask anyone if they need help again and I wondered if I would have given up, had someone shut me off in such an abrupt, angry, stupid manner.

I was sad for him, I really was... He taught me the lesson of a big city, where people can be rude to you and once they've ruined your day, go on about their business...

Labels: Montreal, subway

I was trying really hard to sleep last night...In fact, so hard that I turned off all the lights, found a local radio station online and turned it on (i sleep to whispers / quiet music / movie sound in the background / radio)...It sounded interesting, "Montreal's 24-hour news station".

I found out it wasn't a current affairs radio station when the announcer, in a super-deep voice and all seriousness, said "It's time for pennis talk". Suddenly excited about the thousands of ways this show could deal with human sexuality, I thought "hmmm, is this an open line show?" to get my answer a minute later.

"We're opening our lines for you to ask questions. Dr._____ from ______'s Hospital and I are here to help you with any problems you may be experiencing. Remember, talking about it is step one of the resolution of the problem ***groovy, Marvin Gaye-ish instrumental music is on***...And I think we have a caller on the line. Yes, caller?"

CALLER: Ummm, yes **voice trembling**, what do you do when he can't ejaculate?

HOST: Well, that's a great question for Dr. ___.

Dr.____: Well, the problems can be twofold: Physical and mental.

HOST: Exactly! I answered a caller's question one day who said her partner was having ejaculation problems. Later in the conversation she said she knew for a fact he was cheating on her, so the thought of the other woman prevented him from ejaculating. Double-dipping doesn't always work!"

Dr.____: *distracted* As I was saying, They can be physical or psychological. Physically, your partner may not be able to ejaculate because he may be diabetic, may have prostate problems or other health problems. I can't think of other reasons that may affect his ability to ejaculate.

CALLER: Um, well, he's 50.

HOST: Well, that's important.

DR.____: Yes, after the age of 35, sperm count diminishes. His problem may very well be caused by the age factor.

HOST: Caller, does he feel any sensation he felt when he ejaculated before?

CALLER: *sounding depressed* No. He feels nothing.

HOST: Hmmm, well, caller, hope we could help you somehow. As one of our first callers, you are getting a sex toy kit from the ____ store tonight. Keep listening!

CALLER: *not sounding convinced* Thank you. *hang up sound*

HOST: You're listening to Pennis Talk on _____ Radio, Montreal's 24-hour news station, with me, your host, _____ _____ and Dr._______ . And we go to our next caller...Yes, caller?

CALLER: Yes, this question is for the doctor. I's 49. When should I get tested for prostate cancer? ..."

I wonder what she will do with a bag of sex toys...Poor woman, she sounded so depressed...and all I did was laugh and laugh...so much, in fact, I couldn't fall asleep for a half hour after that...

image credit: Cartoon Stock

Labels: ejaculation problems, funny, journal de montreal, radio

I came across an interesting article while being bored at work... It's about the Egyptian-born Canadian object guru, Karim Rashid and his accomplishments in uh, well, I dunno, the last zillion years... No, seriously, I don't know how old the guy is. All I know is that he wears HUGE glasses and that somehow, he looks retro, which is the look he must be going for...

So, Karim Rashid published a book called "Evolution" some time ago. I wouldn't have heard of it had it not been for an article he wrote for Air Canada's in-flight magazine on Antalya, Turkey, Europeans' future summer destination. In fact, it's not "future" anymore... Europeans, Americans and some Canadians have already invaded the central Turkish beauty.

Anyway, Rashid published ten tips for living...I think, judging from the tips, he means minimalist, unless of course, he is being cynical and does not consider the rest of us who are not minimalist, to be "alive".

Here they are:

1Wait, save and then buy the best.

2Next time you're going to the mall, think about if you really need anything, and then go to the museum instead.

3Regularly analyze each object in your home and discard those you do not use.

4Remember that for every new object acquired, three similar objects must be systematically recycled (friend, second-hand shop, recycling bin).

5Stick to only two or three colours for your wardrobe (Karim prefers white, silver and pink...talk about colour combination) and buy 10 pairs of socks and underwear in the same colour - so you never have to match socks again.

6Have only one credit card, telephone number and e-mail address. [How will I ever manage to do this? three hundred cards and two hundred e-mail addresses never go minimalist...]

7Return messages the day they arrive, pay all your bills online, and keep your living and work spaces tidy.

8Don't own a car if you do not really need one. Try to commute - find a job close by or move. And if you don't like your job, quit! [huh, easy for YOU to say...]

9Don't work on your weaknesses. Work on your strengths. [hmmm, I am growing to like this guy..]

10Now that you have more time, try to have a new experience every day.

Got it? Now I have to go de-clutter my life....

Labels: decluttering, design, everyday life, karim rashid, minimalism, organization