Up Too Late: An Endless Search for Mr.Right & Other Important Things in Life

I don't know what happened to me on Tuesday and Wednesday. Somehow, I fell into a big packing frenzy and felt like, after days of packing, I obviously needed a break, or boost, whatever you may call a hot chocolate break. So I met Leonard for hot chocolate at Juliette & Chocolat for some hot chocolate. A gay couple next to us thought we were together and Leonard noticed it...He didn't, however, do anything.

Instead, he said something that made me want to come out to him. He said how cool it is that people feel free in Canada to be whoever they are and how in Kosovo, holding hands at a table would have been considered a no-no and probably followed by something worse, like a homophobic comment or worse,a beating. I told him I agreed and that was it... I didn't really feel like starting a whole debate on being gay, I was far too tired.

We chatted about many things with Leonard, including how thick the chocolate was. For the first 15 minutes, we kept looking around. I don't know Leonard for long, so it wasn't like I knew what his interests were.

Eventually, we started talking about his past. He told me he had opened an Albanian restaurant a couple of years ago, but, since it was on the outskirts of Montreal, few people found out about it. He closed it down, only to sell it to another man who opened an Albanian-Turkish restaurant in the same place. Apparently, the owner is an imam from Kosovo who, upon coming to Montreal, found out imams weren't paid positions here (in Kosovo, they are). So, he opted for the next best and logical thing to do for an imam: Start a business. After all, selling a message and selling food aren't things very different from one another.

Leonard talked for most of the night, except for when I talked with him about my opinion on Kosovo's pending independence. I mentioned how the international community, UN being the representative, have created a rogue government that controls many of the institutions in Kosovo, part of the reason why Kosovars want the independence so badly. In the last seven years, UNMIK (United Nations Mission in Kosovo) has created ministries and departments that have all been controlled by the international bodies of the UN, not allowing much local and regional development. It's a sort of a bamboo plant metaphore: You can shape the plant any way you want, you just have to allow only one source of light, and the plant will follow by growing that way.

In the same way, the UN thought that if it controlled the ways of functioning for the Kosovo government, many of the wanted human rights and economic/social reforms would take place. Unfortunately, groups like Vetëvendosje (Self-determination) were created, groups which sometimes want nothing short of independence,and they want it now, without any negotiation.

The delay in reform, including the silence behind close to 2500 missing from the war, has caused many problems in Kosovo. It has also brought home a problem that didn't exist before, one of international trafficking of women and drugs. These are "needs" expressed by the rich KFOR [NATO peacekeepers] soldiers who can afford to pay hundreds of Euros for trafficked women from Moldova and Bulgaria or Romania.

Most Kosovars just want the international community to give the power to the local politicians, instead of having them play around the world like little puppets, playing with wording like "diversity" and "multiculturalism" and "tolerance" [yes, i said tolerance and not "acceptance" or "respect"] in front of foreign officials.

It is important to think of the international community (EU, USA, Arab & Muslim world, Australia etc.) as those who changed the situation from war to relative peace in Kosovo, but to what extent does this merit give them the right to control Kosovar institutions? It was something that Leonard and I discussed for a long time and by the time I noticed my hot chocolate was now cold, it was already 11:30 pm [we met at 8:30].

I forgot to mention that Leonard is going through a mid-twenties crisis. He is, in fact, in his late 20s, but is afraid no girl will marry him because he is getting old. In Kosovo, most guys his age are married and have kids.

This last pic here is by Damir Sagolj, one of my favourite photographers. It was taken on a cloudy day in Prishtina, Kosovo.

Photos: Missing Persons, Prishtina, Kosovo - Rachel Geylin / Blackcrows - Damir Sagolj, Reuters

Labels: albanian, chocolate, coffee shops, friends, journal de montreal, Kosova, Kosovo

Many things happened in the last few days, including an outing on Thursday to the Metro Lounge in downtown Montreal for a friend's birthday where, instead of giving gifts to the host, my friend David and I got presents, in exchange for a spanking on the ass (the guy giving out the gift bags that had briefs from Ginch and Gonch (I got these ) apparently has a spanking fetish.

David was shocked as I asked for a pair of undies for Miranda Bradshaw: "What if people think YOU will wear them now?"

I should be happy as this is the reading week at UQAM, a week when reading is replaced by partying, going out and celebrating the week when you see none of your profs.

Montreal is also in a good mood, it's wonderfully sunny, no wind in the air, just beautiful.

But, I've been feeling down the last few days.

It all started on Friday with the brunch that I was to have with Jorge, the guy I mentioned in my previous entry as "a new friend I made a couple of weeks ago". We went to Piz Pistol, which was filled with office workers, including a guy I'd met at a gay film festival a few months ago, who has been inviting me everywhere and anywhere. Now I know how it feels to be rejected...

Hmmm, well, the brunch would have been like any other brunch with friends, had Jorge not started asking me odd questions (for a friend, anyway), like "so, what's your type?" and "what do you look for in a guy?". I replied to all the questions and asked them back, but something changed in the way I looked at him now. He kept asking me things about my type, and then, at the end, he would look at me and say "but you're not looking for anyone, because you just want to make new friends, right?" (what I told him when he asked me what I was looking for, a couple of weeks ago).

I started to wonder whether he was asking me these questions for simple curiousity, conversation or whether he was interested in the essence of my answers. So, in doing that, as I listened to his answers, well thought-out, down-to-earth formulations that made me ponder hours later...The problem with me is, when I like someone, I get nervous...and when I get nervous, I talk a lot. So, I talked away all day...

I began to look at him as a potential date. I wondered what it would be like to go out for dinner together, go out to the movies, cuddle together, ...

Friday was strange for a number of reasons. Not only because I revealed to him that I would never tell a guy if I liked him (he asked: would you tell a guy you liked him, if you did?), but also because I told him all of my failures and silly moments in relationships past. See, when you're just friends with someone, you can say things you would say to someone you would date...But then, at the end of the day, I regretted having told him about all the pathetic points of previous relationships, my failures as a b/f, etc.

So it was supposed to be a brunch that should have lasted at most 2 hours. Guess how long we were out together, talking and window-shopping? 7 hours... and during all this time, I kept asking him if he had to go home, always getting a "no, man, i'm free, nothing to do..."

At the end of the day, he revealed he wasn't a big fan of shopping. I was floored, as most of the day, that's all we had done. So I looked at him and asked, "why didn't you tell me?" ... I don't remember what he said, but it was something along the lines of it not being an issue.

I had to get back to the residence to get ready to go out with friends to a shisha bar, so I told him I was going to get the metro and he said he, too, was going to go home. I wondered that night what that day was, and I still do...

On the weekend, I did a number of things, including destroying an 80-year old antique table at work by ironing my dress shirt on it while thinking of him and listening to Julie London sing "Misty" ("walk my way, and a thousand violins begin to play").

Miranda Bradshaw (former Carrie Bradshaw of Montreal) and I had some mutual phone therapy by sharing each other's worries and hopes. She is great at consoling me, always suggesting alternatives. Somehow, she has become my confidante... :) ... She suggested I tell him how I felt.

I got the courage to call him yesterday to ask him if he wanted to go take some pics on the old port (he does photography, too) and I was going to ask him if he was up for a date, so I called, but all I got was the answering machine and his message in Torontonian English and an accented French. So I didn't hear from him...Now, it's 11 am and I haven't heard back from him ... So I get his point.

I took loads of pics, some of which are on this post. I also bought a new pair of all-stars, so my feet thank me...wee :)
I'm glad I'm going to Ottawa to some meetings and to visit some close friends. It will be good to escape this whole silliness I've gotten myself into. Sometimes I wish I wasn't this complicated. I'm afraid of getting hurt by guys, but I hurt myself more this way, always unsure of what I'm getting myself into...

By the way, I didn't get fired for my little Julie London mishap. The manager was impressed by my "honesty" and said it was only an accident (wow, I wish everyone reacted like that to the destruction of an antique table worth thousands of dollars).
I don't know if I'm happy or sad about that. I wanted to have a break from the the ludicrous 11-hour shifts...Then again, getting fired IS embarrassing.

P.S: I used to hate this song, but while writing this entry, I couldn't stop myself from playing and replaying it. Dido's "Do you have a little time?" ... Listen to it here

I'm off to pack...

Labels: accident, Dido, journal de montreal, Julie London, men, mp3, photography

I was trying really hard to sleep last night...In fact, so hard that I turned off all the lights, found a local radio station online and turned it on (i sleep to whispers / quiet music / movie sound in the background / radio)...It sounded interesting, "Montreal's 24-hour news station".

I found out it wasn't a current affairs radio station when the announcer, in a super-deep voice and all seriousness, said "It's time for pennis talk". Suddenly excited about the thousands of ways this show could deal with human sexuality, I thought "hmmm, is this an open line show?" to get my answer a minute later.

"We're opening our lines for you to ask questions. Dr._____ from ______'s Hospital and I are here to help you with any problems you may be experiencing. Remember, talking about it is step one of the resolution of the problem ***groovy, Marvin Gaye-ish instrumental music is on***...And I think we have a caller on the line. Yes, caller?"

CALLER: Ummm, yes **voice trembling**, what do you do when he can't ejaculate?

HOST: Well, that's a great question for Dr. ___.

Dr.____: Well, the problems can be twofold: Physical and mental.

HOST: Exactly! I answered a caller's question one day who said her partner was having ejaculation problems. Later in the conversation she said she knew for a fact he was cheating on her, so the thought of the other woman prevented him from ejaculating. Double-dipping doesn't always work!"

Dr.____: *distracted* As I was saying, They can be physical or psychological. Physically, your partner may not be able to ejaculate because he may be diabetic, may have prostate problems or other health problems. I can't think of other reasons that may affect his ability to ejaculate.

CALLER: Um, well, he's 50.

HOST: Well, that's important.

DR.____: Yes, after the age of 35, sperm count diminishes. His problem may very well be caused by the age factor.

HOST: Caller, does he feel any sensation he felt when he ejaculated before?

CALLER: *sounding depressed* No. He feels nothing.

HOST: Hmmm, well, caller, hope we could help you somehow. As one of our first callers, you are getting a sex toy kit from the ____ store tonight. Keep listening!

CALLER: *not sounding convinced* Thank you. *hang up sound*

HOST: You're listening to Pennis Talk on _____ Radio, Montreal's 24-hour news station, with me, your host, _____ _____ and Dr._______ . And we go to our next caller...Yes, caller?

CALLER: Yes, this question is for the doctor. I's 49. When should I get tested for prostate cancer? ..."

I wonder what she will do with a bag of sex toys...Poor woman, she sounded so depressed...and all I did was laugh and laugh...so much, in fact, I couldn't fall asleep for a half hour after that...

image credit: Cartoon Stock

Labels: ejaculation problems, funny, journal de montreal, radio

Accusations make you want to defend yourself, but they also often make you say things you wouldn't otherwise say. Heated discussions lead to comments that are rarely uttered. Words of passion can cause an emotional and not intelligent reaction...

Fearing procrastination [battling against procrastination is one of my "unofficial" new year's resolutions], I went in to work early, so early in fact that I had nothing to do for the 30 minutes that I had to wait for my class to begin [this is my language assistant job]. i checked my e-mail [not much new, since I'd just checked it before coming to school ... e-mail maniac, that's me].

I noticed a Wednesday's copy of "Le Journal de Montréal" and what got me was the cover page. On it, two men, one of whom is smiling... In large font, a title of the size that would otherwise be saved for some world catastrophe or some hockey victory: "Selong les communautés, les Québecois sont accueillants" ("According to the [cultural/ethnic] communities, Quebecers are welcoming"). I had seen the page before but I hadn't paid as much attention to it.

The fact that le Journal de Montréal would take such an ethically low stoop on crisis prevention struck me all of a sudden. I wondered what Quebecers thought of this interesting idea. And checked I did. Still, the messages on online forums seem somehow unreal, somehow plastic. Anyone can say anything on the web nowadays, including me, but hearing people say something to you in person is more valuable. It carries more weight for me, somehow. Call me old-fashioned, if you will [some of my students sort of do...will write about that soon], but it takes guts and real emotion to say something you care about to someone else, while knowing that there is a chance they may disagree.

Seeing as Celine, a teacher who teaches across the hallway from my classroom, was the only one in the teachers' lounge, I approached her and showed her the paper. She was preparing for her class in the afternoon, but she welcomed a distraction. She looked at it once and said "well, yeah, in Montreal, we're welcoming, but go to Blainville [not far from Montreal] or the regions of Quebec and you'll see how friendly we are to them."

I mentioned how my Poli. Sci. prof had talked about the fallacy of the survey. She agreed, but at the same time, said it was prejudice that Quebecers carry most in their everyday lives and not racism. This got me thinking, since prejudice is one of the initial steps towards discrimination and then on a more focused lens, racism. I didn't, however, say anything. Her words were far too interesting to distract and I enjoyed hearing honest words from someone who is a "Québecoise de souche" [a born-and-bred in Quebec Quebecer].

She started mentioning things here and there and suddenly, we got to the question of what the reason behind the Quebec racism was, or should I say, Celine did. She said students in her classes were not racist. I mentioned that yes, children are born innocent. Unfortunately, the adults are the ones teaching them about the negative aspects of life and often, imposing their views onto their children. This is a gist of what she said:

"Well, I had a student in class who, when I mentioned how in Montreal, there is a rise in numbers of people wanting to learn arabic, said that they should all be sent home because they are taking over our culture.

Naturally, I told him that he couldn't say things like that in class, especially because I have three Muslim students in that particular section. I could just imagine his father saying something like that...He probably didn't mean it that way, but said it because he heard his father say it.

I do have reservations when it comes to them [by "them", she implied Arabs]. I mean, they are coming in big numbers and they ARE in some ways, influencing and changing our culture negatively. You know, they want their religious needs answered and they ask us to remove our crucifixes from our schools because they say it goes against their religion. Well, I'm sorry, but we were here before them. This school was a Catholic school! Catholicism [the word she used] was here before Islam.

You know, they wanted to wash their feet at Concordia [referring to the actual McGill Muslim Students' Association complaint to the university, which refused to allow the group to have a prayer space ]. They are the kind of people who always want more and more and more. They bring their opinions here and pressure us to accept them. You know, I'm not racist and I am not being one, but I am telling the truth.

Besides, racism and prejudice are two different things. They are not one and the same. We all pre-judge.

Oh, and they are having SOOO many children. I mean, we used to be that way ["we" is used for "Quebecers"] and tried to have as many children as we could. We were all about the family. And then, after the quiet revolution , nothing was the same anymore. Now, the women are all about advancing their careers. And their women are all about having children and taking care of the family. Very soon, Quebec won't be the same anymore...We will not have the same values that we do now. We will be taken over by them."

This was a teacher talking, someone whose likes will teach my children someday.

Somehow, I couldn't understand why this woman, who knows I am Muslim, was telling me all these derogatory things so openly.

I suppose she didn't see me as one of "them".

The crucifix over her head made me think of how threatened she felt. I could only sympathize with her, but I also felt saddened that even in an accepting and welcoming society as the one of Quebec, I witnessed an opinion based on misinformation, ignorance and simple perception of rivalry. It reeked of the ancient balkanic hatred, here in Montreal, Quebec, Canada, North America, the so-called New World.

Photo source: February 11, 2006, Danish Cartoon Protests, Montreal - David Metraux

Labels: Canada, integration, Islam, journal de montreal, Kosovo, Montreal, Muslim, prejudice, problems, quebec, quiet revolution, racism, TVA