I came from a therapy session of sorts with N'a in the kitchen, baking biscotti, hoping that this sense of defeat will disappear or at least hurt me less than it has today. I did not count on failing this test, reason why perhaps I reacted in such a dramatic manner. I am sorry for making you feel bad earlier today, as I didn't mean to do that. You have enough stress as it is, so you don't need me adding more to it - I was mostly just disappointed in myself for not managing to get through this hurdle in order to keep going. I was so convinced that I was going to at least pass that the fact that I didn't crushed all my hopes...
Failing the test is not a big matter on the greater scale of things, as you wrote. But it was the only true indicator of how much I had learned in this institution, and I feel like failing it just shows that I haven't necessarily learned as much as I had hoped I had. It doesn't make me want to give up in any way, as I will be even more determined now to succeed than I was before, but it saddens me that I have to redo something that I could have passed. I used to be so self-confident and so sure of success before I got to Oxford. It all seems to have trickled away now, but my hope is still there, and so is my ambition to do well. I know I will wake up tomorrow stronger than before and will try harder than I have ever done.
I am grateful for the outcome in many ways - it is a good push in the right direction, however difficult and harsh it may be. I am also grateful that I have the fortune of knowing you and counting you among the friends who understand me better than I sometimes understand myself...
If there was one singer I'd love to have coffee with, it would be Eliza Hoxha. Her most recent project, the song "Himni Im," is a testament to what good lyrics do despite shoddy music. For those of you non-Albanian speakers wondering what the song is about, I translated it below. Kosova doesn't have an anthem yet, perhaps reason why this song is so fitting and I enjoy it so much more (it's titled "My Hymn").
Eliza Hoxha - Himni Im (My Hymn)
Brenga, qe shpirtin ma shterngoj, / Worry, which tightened my soul, sa zemra i lendoj, / it hurt so many souls, sa njerez i vetmoj, / it left so many people lonely, ishte endrra qe sot jetoj, / it was the dream that I live today nje emocion qe s'dua kurre te me leshoj. / A feeling that I don't want to lose.
Prandaj, / So larg shikimin ti drejto, / Direct your outlook forward prapa mos shiko, / don't look back ne ardhmeri beso. / believe in the future.
Te kaluaren mos e harro, / Don't forget the past gjithmone kujto, / always remember kush ishe dhe nga do shkosh. / who you were and where you'll go.
Nje enderr kisha dikur, / I once had a dream endrren sonte e jetoj, / I now live that dream shtetin tim e jetesoj, / I rejoice in my state ne vete besoj. (2X) / I believe in myself.
Shqiponje, shkrihem ne kaltersi. / An eagle, melting in blue
Fluturoj e lire dhe nuk kam frike / I fly free, and I am not afraid perpara cfare me pret, / of what is ahead of me. Jo, me vuajtjen s'dua ta njoh, / No, I do not wish to feel suffering anymore, Por kurre s'do ti harroj / but I will never forget ata qe s'jane sot me ne kete dite ta gezojne. / those who are not here to celebrate this day with us. --- Jetoj ne jeten time... / I live my life...
A girl I was dancing with came up behind me and put her arms around me - I stopped dancing and sat down. She was worried and apologized, as we'd had had a discussion about my problem of demonstrating affection in public - As a private person, I'm bothered by it, no matter who it is, unless it's a family matter of hugging.
She said "I'm sorry" 20 times, and I kept asking her not to apologize, but just to remember not to do it again...
On top of that, some guy I met from South Africa came five minutes later, asking if I was dating her. I told him that no, if I'd date someone, it'd be someone of my own sex. He seemed surprised, and added that he comes from a conservative university in S. Africa, but that he is happy to be here, to have his views... "opened?" I suggested. "Challenged," he said. I was puzzled whether this guy I considered a friend was in fact conservative. He said he apologized for everything and hugged me, asking me to forgive him for making things awkward tonight.
I've had to forgive people tonight, and I am wondering why I went out in the first place. I feel like staying in, reading, and avoiding people for the rest of the year. I think I may be becoming depressed. I'm listening to the Requiem for a Dream theme song...
"Sana Wara Sana" is the title of Nancy Ajram's song [Arabic]. It's a song that I don't particularly like, but one that truly expresses my emotions this morning.
My friend M. fell in love with someone while here, in England, last term. She didn't know if that was it - real love, that is, but she wanted to pursue it further. Her family, upon hearing about the fling, immediately found her a suitor they deemed worthy.
She came back to University last week with him. She seemed happy, but it all seemed artificial. When we mentioned her future husband, I looked at her, and without me saying anything, she said, "you can read me so well, I can tell." I wanted to hug her and tell her that I understood, but instead, I just smiled and said that maybe she was wrong, maybe I was thinking about how joyous she looked. I can safely say that if ever I loved someone for their personality, it is M. I was so saddened to hear the news, and the fact that the girl I had met three months ago, so insistent about pursuing a career, rather than get stuck in the life of a housewife, had to give in to the demands of her family.
I love her so much more for it, because I know the sacrifices she has to make for her family, but I couldn't help crying this morning thinking about her shattered dream - As a male, even as a gay male, I have so much more freedom wherever I go than would a successful young woman who wants to pursue a life of helping others. I hate that.
The blog of a twenty-something gay Mr.Right researcher, who, while wandering the streets of North America, in search of Mr.Right, writes about his adventures and current issues and topics that affect him, including Islam, gay rights, Kosovo, human rights in general, music and his dates...all with a hint of melancholy.
