Up Too Late: An Endless Search for Mr.Right & Other Important Things in Life

An unsent letter to a friend

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Dear M,

I came from a therapy session of sorts with N'a in the kitchen, baking biscotti, hoping that this sense of defeat will disappear or at least hurt me less than it has today. I did not count on failing this test, reason why perhaps I reacted in such a dramatic manner. I am sorry for making you feel bad earlier today, as I didn't mean to do that. You have enough stress as it is, so you don't need me adding more to it - I was mostly just disappointed in myself for not managing to get through this hurdle in order to keep going. I was so convinced that I was going to at least pass that the fact that I didn't crushed all my hopes...

Failing the test is not a big matter on the greater scale of things, as you wrote. But it was the only true indicator of how much I had learned in this institution, and I feel like failing it just shows that I haven't necessarily learned as much as I had hoped I had. It doesn't make me want to give up in any way, as I will be even more determined now to succeed than I was before, but it saddens me that I have to redo something that I could have passed. I used to be so self-confident and so sure of success before I got to Oxford. It all seems to have trickled away now, but my hope is still there, and so is my ambition to do well. I know I will wake up tomorrow stronger than before and will try harder than I have ever done.

I am grateful for the outcome in many ways - it is a good push in the right direction, however difficult and harsh it may be. I am also grateful that I have the fortune of knowing you and counting you among the friends who understand me better than I sometimes understand myself...

Kosova's New Anthem

Sunday, March 29, 2009

If there was one singer I'd love to have coffee with, it would be Eliza Hoxha. Her most recent project, the song "Himni Im," is a testament to what good lyrics do despite shoddy music. For those of you non-Albanian speakers wondering what the song is about, I translated it below. Kosova doesn't have an anthem yet, perhaps reason why this song is so fitting and I enjoy it so much more (it's titled "My Hymn").

Eliza Hoxha - Himni Im (My Hymn)

Brenga, qe shpirtin ma shterngoj, / Worry, which tightened my soul,
sa zemra i lendoj, / it hurt so many souls,
sa njerez i vetmoj, / it left so many people lonely,
ishte endrra qe sot jetoj, / it was the dream that I live today
nje emocion qe s'dua kurre te me leshoj. / A feeling that I don't want to lose.

Prandaj, / So
larg shikimin ti drejto, / Direct your outlook forward
prapa mos shiko, / don't look back
ne ardhmeri beso. / believe in the future.

Te kaluaren mos e harro, / Don't forget the past
gjithmone kujto, / always remember
kush ishe dhe nga do shkosh. / who you were and where you'll go.

Nje enderr kisha dikur, / I once had a dream
endrren sonte e jetoj, / I now live that dream
shtetin tim e jetesoj, / I rejoice in my state
ne vete besoj. (2X) / I believe in myself.

Shqiponje, shkrihem ne kaltersi. / An eagle, melting in blue

Fluturoj e lire dhe nuk kam frike / I fly free, and I am not afraid
perpara cfare me pret, / of what is ahead of me.
Jo, me vuajtjen s'dua ta njoh, / No, I do not wish to feel suffering anymore,
Por kurre s'do ti harroj / but I will never forget
ata qe s'jane sot me ne kete dite ta gezojne. / those who are not here to celebrate this day with us.
---
Jetoj ne jeten time... / I live my life...

Labels: eliza hoxha, favourite music, Kosova, videos

I think I may be depressed

Friday, February 20, 2009

A girl I was dancing with came up behind me and put her arms around me - I stopped dancing and sat down. She was worried and apologized, as we'd had had a discussion about my problem of demonstrating affection in public - As a private person, I'm bothered by it, no matter who it is, unless it's a family matter of hugging.

She said "I'm sorry" 20 times, and I kept asking her not to apologize, but just to remember not to do it again...

On top of that, some guy I met from South Africa came five minutes later, asking if I was dating her. I told him that no, if I'd date someone, it'd be someone of my own sex. He seemed surprised, and added that he comes from a conservative university in S. Africa, but that he is happy to be here, to have his views... "opened?" I suggested. "Challenged," he said. I was puzzled whether this guy I considered a friend was in fact conservative. He said he apologized for everything and hugged me, asking me to forgive him for making things awkward tonight.

I've had to forgive people tonight, and I am wondering why I went out in the first place. I feel like staying in, reading, and avoiding people for the rest of the year. I think I may be becoming depressed. I'm listening to the Requiem for a Dream theme song...

Labels: Friday, friends, gay, party, sad, United Kingdom

Sana Wara Sana

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

"Sana Wara Sana" is the title of Nancy Ajram's song [Arabic]. It's a song that I don't particularly like, but one that truly expresses my emotions this morning.

My friend M. fell in love with someone while here, in England, last term. She didn't know if that was it - real love, that is, but she wanted to pursue it further. Her family, upon hearing about the fling, immediately found her a suitor they deemed worthy.

She came back to University last week with him. She seemed happy, but it all seemed artificial. When we mentioned her future husband, I looked at her, and without me saying anything, she said, "you can read me so well, I can tell." I wanted to hug her and tell her that I understood, but instead, I just smiled and said that maybe she was wrong, maybe I was thinking about how joyous she looked. I can safely say that if ever I loved someone for their personality, it is M. I was so saddened to hear the news, and the fact that the girl I had met three months ago, so insistent about pursuing a career, rather than get stuck in the life of a housewife, had to give in to the demands of her family.

I love her so much more for it, because I know the sacrifices she has to make for her family, but I couldn't help crying this morning thinking about her shattered dream - As a male, even as a gay male, I have so much more freedom wherever I go than would a successful young woman who wants to pursue a life of helping others. I hate that.

Labels: men problems, sad

A missed opportunity

Sunday, November 02, 2008

I sat next to a genius on Friday, at a recruiting dinner set up by the mother search engine in London.

He was cute, smart, witty, funny, and the most important thing of all, optimistic about life: Blue eyes, short trimmed brown hair, tall and slim, good teeth. We clicked quite quickly - i sat on his right side and another gay dude on his left. Fortunately, the other guy has a boyfriend, so I didn't see it as a competition.

We talked for two and a half hours straight. We stood up from the dinner table only because everyone else was gone downstairs to dance - I was at once amazed that this was happening, and anxious to see where this all was leading.

We went downstairs. We took the ugliest photo ever in this photobooth, where he actually looks nice and I made a bad face (Advice: never make an ugly face when you're taking a photo with someone you've just met)... Then, I said I was going to the washroom (or the toilet, as they all call it here), he offered to get me a drink, I said I'd be back.

I got back - he had disappeared. He reappeared fifteen minutes later, talking to one of his colleagues. I waved, he waved back. That was it. I can't understand it: He even talked to me about his weekend routine, his recent addiction to video games, the fact that he doesn't smoke and also prefers to be with "people" who don't smoke either, told me all about his activist brother, won my heart by telling me about his trips to Nagorno-Karabakh, and then finally explained that his firm had a pilot project in Serbia and in Montenegro. He asked me if I was on Facebook [why???] ... Maybe I should have asked him to add me - maybe he can't add me because it would be a conflict of interest. I don't know.

All I know is, I spent yesterday searching for him online. he might as well be named John Doe, though, as there are 6000 T.. E....'es out there living in London. I even sent strange e-mails to random TE's, hoping they are him. But one by one, they are turning out not to be him. And I feel so pathetic. I can't believe I'm doing this now - I should have just asked him then. I'm becoming a perfect version of a stalker right now.

I'm consoling myself by saying that I've been out of the dating scene for a while, which is why I'm acting so reservedly, but it might not be that at all. It might just be that I hesitate asking someone out for fear of rejection, the fear felt by both straights and gays, men and women anywhere and everywhere.

Going out with a new friend from Bahrain is making me feel better. She's great - very open-minded and mature, friendly, curious, beautiful ... She's one of the most beautiful girls in my college. We consoled each other - Her boyfriend just left her, I didn't even give a chance to a potential one.

Labels: London, men problems, mr.right candidate, sad, United Kingdom