Up Too Late: An Endless Search for Mr.Right & Other Important Things in Life

A girl I was dancing with came up behind me and put her arms around me - I stopped dancing and sat down. She was worried and apologized, as we'd had had a discussion about my problem of demonstrating affection in public - As a private person, I'm bothered by it, no matter who it is, unless it's a family matter of hugging.

She said "I'm sorry" 20 times, and I kept asking her not to apologize, but just to remember not to do it again...

On top of that, some guy I met from South Africa came five minutes later, asking if I was dating her. I told him that no, if I'd date someone, it'd be someone of my own sex. He seemed surprised, and added that he comes from a conservative university in S. Africa, but that he is happy to be here, to have his views... "opened?" I suggested. "Challenged," he said. I was puzzled whether this guy I considered a friend was in fact conservative. He said he apologized for everything and hugged me, asking me to forgive him for making things awkward tonight.

I've had to forgive people tonight, and I am wondering why I went out in the first place. I feel like staying in, reading, and avoiding people for the rest of the year. I think I may be becoming depressed. I'm listening to the Requiem for a Dream theme song...

Labels: Friday, friends, gay, party, sad, United Kingdom

Adrien was my high school crush. He was, throughout my three years in a formerly all-female and religious school, the guy I hoped to someday go out on a date with. Alas, at the time, he was straight, into alternative posses [of rich kids who can afford $3000-music instruments for their participation in the orchestra, etc.] and not quite receptive to those outside of his friends' circle.

I saw Adrien at our high school prom, where he was eager to take photos together and even chat for some time.

During my university life, I saw Adrien three times, one of which was a time when i had to fix my watch at the store he worked in, the other a coincidental meetup just before he headed to volunteer in Brazil for a year and the last time was at a movie theatre, where I watched Narnia with my brother and he with his mother.

Since our high school graduation, Adrien kept e-mailing me, intercepting me while i rushed to class, when i had no time to stop and chat, and it seemed always that he wanted to talk, but somehow, kept back...so I ignored him.

Last year, Adrien came out...A couple of months later, I saw his profile on gay.com.

Last night, I went out with half a dozen friends who were celebrating a good friend's birthday. Maria is one of my closest friends, so spending time with her was great fun. We made it to the town's G-boat, the new gay hangout, alternative to a stereotypical, dark, gloomy solution to boredom on Saturday night for gay men. G-boat, a large ship overlooking the harbour, is quite an attraction...

This is where I saw Adrien tonight. He was so happy to see me, he ran and hugged and kissed me. I was, too, though I didn't know how to react to it all.

Because the G-boat was pretty quiet and not that happening, we decided that along with a few other high school buddies, we'd go to the Zone, the dark dance bar.

Before we got there, Maria, the birthday girl and activist extraordinaire, had a nervous breakdown because she had failed to prevent the Immigration authorities from deporting a Russian family to Israel. Convincing her that it wasn't her fault and that she had done all she could [and more]took around 15 minutes, during which time Adrien patiently waited outside and we talked in the washroom.

We had to wait in line for a bit, during which time Adrien tried to get people to go to the G-Boat...the only person he recruited was a guy who flirted with him. Nevertheless, Adrien came with me to the Zone, so we danced for a bit until he suggested we go back to the boat because his friends were there. I said I preferred he stay, but he said he'd promised the girls he'd come back, so he had to go...

So he left...and then I felt bad for not going, thinking maybe it was a hint of him liking me.

Throughout the one hour I spent at the Zone, I had five or six guys, three of whom were quite attractive, approach me to dance, which we did, but when they offered their numbers, I said I wasn't interested, as I was dating someone. I figure this excuse helps in these situations...In reality, all I was thinking of was what had happened to Adrien.

As Emilie, my other friend who's just recently started dating the waiter in the G-Boat, got ready to go, I decided i'd join Adrien and the crowd there once again. At this moment, I was slightly excited and ready to tell Adrien how I had felt about him in the last six years.

We made it there, only to discover that Jim, Adrien's new crush, was playing with his foot under the table they were sitting at. He confessed to me that he wanted to go out with Jim on a date to give the guy a chance, but that he didn't want to have anything to do with him now, as Jim was super-drunk [having difficulty walking and standing]. He said his friends told him to keep away, but that he was willing to try a date out and see what happens.

I sat there and looked at Jim, as he shoved his foot towards Adrien's thighs, who tried to ignore him, or so it seemed. I was incredibly angry that Adrien would want to date someone who was slurring his words and couldn't walk without someone holding him. I felt angry that somehow, he didn't see me as anything other than his high school friend...or so it seems

I stood there and feeling pathetic, decided to move tables, so I sat with some friends and chatted with them before I left the building...

As I hugged friends to leave, I didn't think I'd let Adrien know I was leaving..He saw me leaving and ran after me and hugged me...He said he was going to work on getting rid of the guy. I told him it was good to see him. As he hugged me, he mentioned we'd be in touch soon.

I was going to share the cab with him, but in the last minute decided to walk and clear my head from what I had just seen. Despite being hurt by the fact that Adrien didn't see me as anything other than his high school friend, I didn't feel like ignoring him. Somehow, the feelings I still have for him seem to overpower the anger and the embarrassing situation I found myself in last night...

Dear reader, welcome back to forma melancolica. I'm living up to the name of the blog once again and at this moment, I wish I didn't...at all.

Labels: birthday, crush, cute, everyday life, men, men problems, mr.right candidate, party

I found myself going to a basement party last night, as I pondered whether or not I should go out to socialize with a bunch of strangers, most of whom I'd never met before.

It was 11:15 pm. Having just watched Uptown Girls with my mom on TV, I decided it was too early to call it a night, especially since it was Saturday night. I called up Princess Ivana, my best friend, to make her come with me. I should have predicted that any call made to her involving me asking her to out to hang out with people she's never met would be met with a stern "No", in that strict Russian/Kazakh fashion.

I rarely learn my lessons from the past, so I called Ivana and asked her if she wanted to join me to the basement party organized by an acquaintance whom I'd worked with in Montreal. The blue-eyed blonde waited no longer than the end of my question to say "No, I have to work at 9 am tomorrow...but we can go out in the afternoon", to which I agreed, but I was slightly down that she didn't come with me.

It took me 15 minutes to change and find an old, medium-size-for-kids Spice Girls t-shirt in the basement. The party organizers had laid down a rule for those coming to the party to wear Spice Girls t-shirts in order to be let in. Aware of it being a joke and certain that my entrance with a Spice tee would get some laughter, I went on looking for the t-shirt. I found an extra one, both of which I had bought a couple of years back, when I still thought the girls would get together.

The warm breeze in the air made me feel good about the 15-minute walk ahead of me. It was a cloudy, but otherwise wonderful night out. I made it to the party, only to find out that half the people in it were people I had known for years and I had even gone to high school with. The big "Oh, my God!!!!! I haven't seen you in ages!" began, and everywhere I turned, a familiar face appeared.

It was a rather fun night with Petros, who went around trying to get everyone around him drunk, so he could take funny pictures of them, or the two Australian transplants who found themselves coming back to their birthplace fifteen years after their family had moved away. They talked about the overwhelming count of gay men they had made and had declared they were in the wrong place, but intoxicated and with their friend Jack D., decided to stick around.

I had taken a French course with Petros in Montreal last summer, but hadn't really spent much time talking with him. He told me last night he was going to Syracuse, NY to study medicine in the fall. Antisocial as I have been the last few weeks, it was good to chat with him and Mike in one of the bedrooms, away from the noise.

The other highlight of the evening was a story from a friend from high school, also gay, who was gone off to Cayman Islands to finish med. school, only to find out that the university there was strictly based on theoretical teaching, rather than hands-on practice with cadavers, etc. After two weeks in the school, Jose decided to call home and ask his parents for a ticket to get back to Newfoundland. He said he had loved the beaches, the weather, the people...but not school. It was interesting to hear from him that he had done such a mistake, as usually, he was one to be well-ahead of others in school, followed IB studies and received perfect marks.

After some good chatting and rambling about random things, after the exchanges of numbers and e-mail addresses and the "please, come downtown with us"es, I called it a night and walke d back a couple of blocks, only to be stopped by Petros, who, along with the sister and another friend, gave me a ride home...It was a good end to the night.

This morning, I got up at 11:30 am...I have never gotten up that late before.

Labels: friends, party, St.John's

I am not writing about either one of those cities, as I know how depressing my writing has been lately.

Instead, I want to write about an excellent Friday and Saturday evening I had last week with Renée, a dear friend visiting from Ottawa. Renée was in town visiting a friend, so we got together at Orienthe and chatted for a while, sharing our own romantic dramas and issues. I, of course, said my most popular sentence ("Read my blog to find out more!" about five times.

Following Orienthe, we went to Renee's friend's house, who was expecting us along with his friend/girlfriend/other (Renee seems to be confused as to the kind of role this person/woman plays in Rihan's life) to go out for dinner.

We went to a restaurant on Prince Arthur street (a wide selection of restos for all tastes, if you're ever looking for a place) that Rihan had chosen. "From Damascus to Baghdad" had lighting that made me think of basements of Iraqi homes at wartime. It was so dim, I had difficulty reading what was on my menu.

Nonetheless, it was clean, busy and the staff were friendly (though I assume, new to the job, as the waitress who served us was pretty clumsy…She mistook an order for something else and just seemed like she was out of it…but she was still friendly).

Before I'd met Rihan, Renee had suggested that he was attractive for a straight guy. I thought about it and the minute I saw him, I knew he had betrayed his own kind. He, my loved ones, was a friend of the Dorothy. Well, if not a best friend of hers, then at least a very close acquaintance.

I don't know how, but we got talking about the topic of sexuality. I mentioned how in some Muslim countries, men resort to having sex with other men because they can't have sex with women until they marry them. So, I thought it was slightly strange that a men would have sex with another man until it was time to marry and then say "ciao ciao" to his male lover.

Rihan didn't see anything wrong in this. In fact, he admitted he didn't believe that humans could be heterosexual. Just like him, every human being has a tendency to be bisexual, said our sexual pariah who devours men and women alike. I looked for an approving look in Renee's face, but she was looking ways away, as if she hadn't been in the room.

The rest of the night was spent discussing politics, which Rihan sounded so passionate about. The part that was passionate was his strong will NOT to vote. When I told him if he doesn't vote, he has no right to complain for the government elected, he pretty much exploded. He was pretty passionate, so I just let it go :P

The girl sitting next to me must be pretty smart, as she's doing a Phd in genetics, but her people skills were slightly on the side. She talked about things I didn't find interesting and just had a super girly way of talking, which was kinda bothersome after a while… So, since I had to get up super early on Saturday, I ran out the door as fast as I could and made a date with Renee to meet the next night to go to Kermit's (one of the professors I work for) post-St.Patrick's Day party.

The night of the party, Renee decided she wouldn't show at my place, so she'd meet me at the party itself. Miranda Bradshaw canceled on me as well, so I was left with none other than Leonard, "the white Arab". I invited him to come to my apartment , but before I did that, I removed any signs of gay existence in the room (I'm not out to Leonard because I want to get to know him a bit better before I come out to him…coming out to fellow Kosovars is slightly more challenging than to other Canadians).

Leonard came in and settled while I changed and prepped myself up. He asked if he could check his e-mail. I said "of course! Go right ahead!"…and then it struck me: I had dozens of gay torrent and gay chat links under the address bar of my browser. Oh, well, I couldn't tell him: "wait, I have to do something for a second". He noticed them and said "wow, you have many gay links on your browser." I just said "umm, yeah, I know" … Three minutes later, we headed to the party as if nothing had happened. We talked about silly things while in the subway. He is a fun guy to talk with, for sure.

We got to the party. Being the non-drinker I am, I had taken a two-liter bottle of Tropicana mixed fruit juice. I thought Leonard could share in. Instead, he decided we should go get booze. So I asked him "So, you drink, eh?" and he replied "ya…I mean, I try to pray and all, but I'm not too good at it. I do have to say, though, that I am the most religious one in my family." I held myself from laughing once again, for the second time in two days.

The party was fun. I discovered Massive Attack, though I had heard one of their songs long time ago in a movie soundtrack. I also saw my Newfoundland compatriot Deborah, who shares in the same passion of social justice as I do, whom Leonard seemed to have fallen in love with, as all night, all they did was talk.

I left at around 3:30 am, only to go home with a girl. Dat's right, Renee came home with me that night and we talked until I fell asleep on her. That was apparently a first for her. Five minutes later, I shouted out "do you need a sleep mask?" and then went back to sleep.

It was kinda cool, though, only my second sleepover ever.

In the morning, I was late to work at 8 am (Renee asked what time I was supposed to be at work at 8:10), so she gave me a ride. When I came home that night, I had the following note from her:

Ah, women… you never CAN please them...

Labels: food, friends, Montreal, party, restaurant