Up Too Late: An Endless Search for Mr.Right & Other Important Things in Life

A missed opportunity

Sunday, November 02, 2008

I sat next to a genius on Friday, at a recruiting dinner set up by the mother search engine in London.

He was cute, smart, witty, funny, and the most important thing of all, optimistic about life: Blue eyes, short trimmed brown hair, tall and slim, good teeth. We clicked quite quickly - i sat on his right side and another gay dude on his left. Fortunately, the other guy has a boyfriend, so I didn't see it as a competition.

We talked for two and a half hours straight. We stood up from the dinner table only because everyone else was gone downstairs to dance - I was at once amazed that this was happening, and anxious to see where this all was leading.

We went downstairs. We took the ugliest photo ever in this photobooth, where he actually looks nice and I made a bad face (Advice: never make an ugly face when you're taking a photo with someone you've just met)... Then, I said I was going to the washroom (or the toilet, as they all call it here), he offered to get me a drink, I said I'd be back.

I got back - he had disappeared. He reappeared fifteen minutes later, talking to one of his colleagues. I waved, he waved back. That was it. I can't understand it: He even talked to me about his weekend routine, his recent addiction to video games, the fact that he doesn't smoke and also prefers to be with "people" who don't smoke either, told me all about his activist brother, won my heart by telling me about his trips to Nagorno-Karabakh, and then finally explained that his firm had a pilot project in Serbia and in Montenegro. He asked me if I was on Facebook [why???] ... Maybe I should have asked him to add me - maybe he can't add me because it would be a conflict of interest. I don't know.

All I know is, I spent yesterday searching for him online. he might as well be named John Doe, though, as there are 6000 T.. E....'es out there living in London. I even sent strange e-mails to random TE's, hoping they are him. But one by one, they are turning out not to be him. And I feel so pathetic. I can't believe I'm doing this now - I should have just asked him then. I'm becoming a perfect version of a stalker right now.

I'm consoling myself by saying that I've been out of the dating scene for a while, which is why I'm acting so reservedly, but it might not be that at all. It might just be that I hesitate asking someone out for fear of rejection, the fear felt by both straights and gays, men and women anywhere and everywhere.

Going out with a new friend from Bahrain is making me feel better. She's great - very open-minded and mature, friendly, curious, beautiful ... She's one of the most beautiful girls in my college. We consoled each other - Her boyfriend just left her, I didn't even give a chance to a potential one.

Labels: London, men problems, mr.right candidate, sad, United Kingdom

Re: High school crush update

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Adrien called me last Sunday, said he felt terrible about any misunderstanding there may have been, regarding the strange guy ruffling under the table...he asked if i was free anytime this week, to which I replied that yes, i was free friday night...

we went out tonight and had orange-canteloupe juice, chatted about various topics ranging from high school memories to future plans, took occasional breaks when our mutual friends would drop in to the cafe and say hi... later, we went out for dinner to a stir fry resto, which was great... He had a party to go to after, but opted to join me in watching a film at my house, so we watched Breakfast on Pluto.

There were some awkward moments, where I wondered whether he was expecting me to say something or not, but neither one of us did say anything, and instead opted to call it a night after the film...I don't know where we were and if this does repeat itself,I will raise the question...I just wanted tonight to be just a night of hanging out together. I didn't want to spoil the moment...

Adrien went to get his reading glasses, as his lenses were drying up, then to the party his friends were at...

I am now in bed and will be sleeping in a few minutes...

This isn't exactly what I would have hoped for, on my first date with Adrien, the cliqueish boy from high school, but it was an unusual "date", one that doesn't compare with any dates i've had in the near past, making it unforgettable...

The feeling of uncertainty and butterflies in my stomach feel strange and I wish I had a hint of what is happening between Adrien and I, but right now, even if i never heard from him again, I'd be happy. It's good to feel wanted..It's wonderful to feel alive again.

Labels: crush, cute, date, men, mr.right candidate

Back to Basics

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Adrien was my high school crush. He was, throughout my three years in a formerly all-female and religious school, the guy I hoped to someday go out on a date with. Alas, at the time, he was straight, into alternative posses [of rich kids who can afford $3000-music instruments for their participation in the orchestra, etc.] and not quite receptive to those outside of his friends' circle.

I saw Adrien at our high school prom, where he was eager to take photos together and even chat for some time.

During my university life, I saw Adrien three times, one of which was a time when i had to fix my watch at the store he worked in, the other a coincidental meetup just before he headed to volunteer in Brazil for a year and the last time was at a movie theatre, where I watched Narnia with my brother and he with his mother.

Since our high school graduation, Adrien kept e-mailing me, intercepting me while i rushed to class, when i had no time to stop and chat, and it seemed always that he wanted to talk, but somehow, kept back...so I ignored him.

Last year, Adrien came out...A couple of months later, I saw his profile on gay.com.

Last night, I went out with half a dozen friends who were celebrating a good friend's birthday. Maria is one of my closest friends, so spending time with her was great fun. We made it to the town's G-boat, the new gay hangout, alternative to a stereotypical, dark, gloomy solution to boredom on Saturday night for gay men. G-boat, a large ship overlooking the harbour, is quite an attraction...

This is where I saw Adrien tonight. He was so happy to see me, he ran and hugged and kissed me. I was, too, though I didn't know how to react to it all.

Because the G-boat was pretty quiet and not that happening, we decided that along with a few other high school buddies, we'd go to the Zone, the dark dance bar.

Before we got there, Maria, the birthday girl and activist extraordinaire, had a nervous breakdown because she had failed to prevent the Immigration authorities from deporting a Russian family to Israel. Convincing her that it wasn't her fault and that she had done all she could [and more]took around 15 minutes, during which time Adrien patiently waited outside and we talked in the washroom.

We had to wait in line for a bit, during which time Adrien tried to get people to go to the G-Boat...the only person he recruited was a guy who flirted with him. Nevertheless, Adrien came with me to the Zone, so we danced for a bit until he suggested we go back to the boat because his friends were there. I said I preferred he stay, but he said he'd promised the girls he'd come back, so he had to go...

So he left...and then I felt bad for not going, thinking maybe it was a hint of him liking me.

Throughout the one hour I spent at the Zone, I had five or six guys, three of whom were quite attractive, approach me to dance, which we did, but when they offered their numbers, I said I wasn't interested, as I was dating someone. I figure this excuse helps in these situations...In reality, all I was thinking of was what had happened to Adrien.

As Emilie, my other friend who's just recently started dating the waiter in the G-Boat, got ready to go, I decided i'd join Adrien and the crowd there once again. At this moment, I was slightly excited and ready to tell Adrien how I had felt about him in the last six years.

We made it there, only to discover that Jim, Adrien's new crush, was playing with his foot under the table they were sitting at. He confessed to me that he wanted to go out with Jim on a date to give the guy a chance, but that he didn't want to have anything to do with him now, as Jim was super-drunk [having difficulty walking and standing]. He said his friends told him to keep away, but that he was willing to try a date out and see what happens.

I sat there and looked at Jim, as he shoved his foot towards Adrien's thighs, who tried to ignore him, or so it seemed. I was incredibly angry that Adrien would want to date someone who was slurring his words and couldn't walk without someone holding him. I felt angry that somehow, he didn't see me as anything other than his high school friend...or so it seems

I stood there and feeling pathetic, decided to move tables, so I sat with some friends and chatted with them before I left the building...

As I hugged friends to leave, I didn't think I'd let Adrien know I was leaving..He saw me leaving and ran after me and hugged me...He said he was going to work on getting rid of the guy. I told him it was good to see him. As he hugged me, he mentioned we'd be in touch soon.

I was going to share the cab with him, but in the last minute decided to walk and clear my head from what I had just seen. Despite being hurt by the fact that Adrien didn't see me as anything other than his high school friend, I didn't feel like ignoring him. Somehow, the feelings I still have for him seem to overpower the anger and the embarrassing situation I found myself in last night...

Dear reader, welcome back to forma melancolica. I'm living up to the name of the blog once again and at this moment, I wish I didn't...at all.

Labels: birthday, crush, cute, everyday life, men, men problems, mr.right candidate, party

Another snowstorm? Hand me the gun

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Miranda Bradshaw and I despise Montreal winter, yet out of the two of us, having lived in Newfoundland, I'm the one who's experienced June winters, and six of those at that.

They are predicting 20 cms of snow and 20 mms of rain in Montreal tonight. I guess a coffee outing around the corner is out of the question. :( Grrr, I'll be stuck at home doing homework.

MSN flirtie sent me a message last night, asking me if we could go to the Fine Arts Museum together. I told him I couldn't until Friday morning, at the earliest.

He was ok with it. After talking with him, I felt a slight remorse for treating him the way I did when he said he didn't want our flirting to go anywhere because he was afraid he'd get hurt after I left. The funny part is, I could understand him, yet I decided to ignore it because I wanted to be selfish and concentrate on how his comments made ME feel, which is probably what he did.

If this same thing had happened four years ago, I would have reacted totally differently. I have changed drastically.

I was slightly sad after talking with him last night, but only then did I realize that I was mean to him last week, in perhaps a slightly irrational way. just a little.

I have my cruel moments.

Labels: Canada, Montreal, mr.right candidate, weather

Freaky Friday

Saturday, April 14, 2007

If anyone's ever had a freaky Friday the 13th, they will know that it starts in the morning. The symptoms are comparable to many situations, namely fear of the unknown and the notion of "what it's true...?".

"What will happen to me today?" or "How unlucky will I get today?", depending on your level of self-confidence are two questions out of the thousands you will wonder about and every move and hush sound you hear will make you tremble. You feel like you should do everything right on this day because let's face it, you don't want anything bad to happen to you.

Although I don't believe in Friday the 13th, I have to say that if I ever were to believe in it, this last Friday the 13th would have destroyed any fears I would have had about the day.

I had one of the most enjoyable "Friday the 13th"s, if not THE most enjoyable Friday the 13th ever, with Adam.It was good to once again spend some time with him and get to know him better.

One of the fun activities included having lunch,correcting English homework together for one of of my jobs and witnessing two single straight lovebirds at a coffee shop exchange numbers.

We made a lot of fun of the students whose work we corrected, 90% of whom had copied from each other and thus had the same mistakes as everyone else. For example, everyone [with the exception of two people] was missing number 1 in every single exercise they had to do. It appears that number 1 is not a familiar term in other languages.

Other things we did involved me learning lots of new things from Adam, including the fact that the origin of the word for the "cajun" spice is "Acadian". Who would have thought Acadians liked it spicy. Adam stalked me with his camera everywhere and though I always stalk others with my camera, I preferred to look at him this time. People who accuse me of stalking them with my camera, beware. Adam is a greater stalker.

We discussed US foreign policy, measures against Palestinians by Israel and vice versa and many other things, including Adam's potential enrollment in an intensive, two-week summer course of French in Montreal (oui!), or even a degree in education (in Montreal or elsewhere). Adam was careful every step of the way when he expressed himself, to keep his opinion slightly neutral, or extremely open, so I wouldn't object. I could sense it every time he tried to deviate from what he really thought about something.

I think he would make a great teacher. He has such a vibrant personality, full of energy and enthusiasm and wit, he is a perfect fit for an educator, especially for younger ages, like elementary school children.

We went to Montreal's gay village after dropping off my work at UQAM. It was a rather cloudy and rainy day, but it didn't really matter.

We went window-shopping and at one point, even held hands. I didn't tell him this, as I am sure it would have surprised him and possibly freaked him out, but I had never held hands with a man in public before let alone kiss one.So, this was my first and though I don't believe in PDA (public display of affection), this was my one exception, as of course, it was Friday the 13th. You just go with the flow.

Adam's flaw is that he is slightly impatient, which perhaps wouldn't be a great thing for a teacher, though I still think he should go back to school and get an Education degree and teach the kiddies, one of whom will be his adopted daughter. Before yesterday was over, he was asking if he could come visit me in May in Newfoundland.

I, on the other hand, usually impatient, feel I've changed quite a bit. I told him it would be better if we saw each other in June in Ottawa, as I would have felt uncomfortable if he'd had to come to St.John's only to see me for a short time. After I said it, I felt it was a slight mistake, but my rational self balanced it out. If he visited every month, Adam would spend thousands on plane/train tickets and I am not sure I would feel comfortable with him going through crazy expenses just to see me, whether or not it's for his or my sake.

I feel extremely close to him, though we've only literally known each other for three dates, between which there were very short breaks. It's funny how life plays with feelings. Just when you feel like life is getting less complicated, you fall for someone who lives thousands of miles away.

Apparently, Adam's best friend said Adam was being ridiculous and nothing good could come out of us two meeting each other, and that Adam had to stop meeting men in other countries and just come home and settle for a nice, cowboy-hat wearing average American boy (he didn't quite say the last part, but I thought it's probably what he'd say). hmmm, well, then, Adam's best friend, he's an interesting character...

During dinner, he and I talked as if we had been a couple for a long time. It was slightly odd, but again, Friday the 13th. I enjoyed it, really, as much as I enjoyed holding his hands again. We talked about our futures and where we saw each other settling one day.I told him I didn't know as honestly, I can't predict anything in my future after April 2008. I could go to McGill, U of T., Ottawa U... depending on how good my record is to get accepted to these schools, so that would change the dynamics of where I go.Maybe Europe, maybe Canada, maybe somewhere else. Adam was also unsure about where he'd be, though it sounded to me like he would like to stick around in the US.

Up next, we talked about marriage and children. He wants to adopt a daughter from China someday (when he's settled...he finds them cute...I find that funny :)), whereas I want to adopt a daughter from Kosovo. I may also get a surrogate. A friend suggested she would be my surrogate if I ever wanted to have a child, but I will have to first start earning tens of thousands, not hundreds of dollars, before I can start thinking about how I will go about creating my family.

Marriage, I am not so fond of. Adam would like to get married with someone someday. I don't know if I ever will, but something tells me I won't.

The last highlight of this night was Adam apologizing once again, for the zillionth time, for something he has no control over. I forget what I said, but I think it had to do something with the fact that he has grey hairs like me. He said "Oh, I'm sorry"....I burst out laughing so hard, I had a hard time controlling myself. It was as if Adam were apologizing for his grey hairs.

When I did stop, I realized Adam didn't find it so funny. I didn't mean to mock him. I thought he was so cute right there and then, he could have done or said anything and I still would have liked him.

Later last night, I thought of what would happen if this didn't work out. In theory, we would both go separate ways and nothing would happen. In real life, I feel there has been so much discussed that it's sounding slightly like a relationship, though it's far from taking the form of that, especially since it would be a long distance relationship, something I haven't been very successful at in the past.

Last night, just before I fell asleep, the thought of Adam as a teacher knocked on my mind again. I could just see him spoiling his kids with the beaming smile: "Ok, now, children, because you were so great last time and you all did your homework, we're singing karaoke! What do you say to THAT?" ....

*kid in the back of class raises hand and says*: Yay! ..*everyone else is quiet, except for Adam, who suddenly realizes he's slightly overenthusiastic*...

What a wonderful end to the week...

As he left, I missed him even before he got into his cab at 6 am on a Saturday morning...

My Shakespearean good night bidder saved me from my Friday the 13th.

"flames to dust, lovers to friends..."

P.S: A man I work with at the tennis club confessed to me today that he was a drug smuggler once. He said he smuggled kilos of coke from Mexico, that is, until he was put in jail for 15 years. Fun times ahead hearing his stories...He's actually quite friendly.

Labels: AdamX, Friday, men, Montreal, mr.right candidate