Up Too Late: An Endless Search for Mr.Right & Other Important Things in Life

I was out on a date last night with a guy whom I'd briefly spoken with long, long time ago...

I couldn't believe last night, that I was sitting in a coffee shop with someone who could only remember meeting me by the word "ethnic cleansing" ("you're from that country, with ethnic cleansing stuff, right?")

I ordered hot chocolate, he ordered Canadian [beer]. Soon after, the waitress came back, expecting us to order food, but I opted for a fruit salad instead...Poor Jamie B. from NB ordered a bowl of brownies and ice cream, only because I'd done it.
Coming back from this failure of a date, I became convinced once again that I am single because I am picky - penso, igitur solus sum.

In other news [exceprt from an e-mail to a close friend]:

I'm in the middle of preparing an outline that will contain the summary of my 40-plus page-essay in one single page...I'm not good in summarizing, so this is proving to be a chalenge,....

I gave up 2/3 of my hours at the ANC, so i'm hoping that will help me concentrate more on class, though there are so many things that are keeping my mind away from classwork...

My brother called twice today...He usually does this to politely check if there is a way for one of us to help him by sending him some sort of a remittance. ...As time passes, I only worry more that his arrival in Canada won't happen and that somewhere down the road, someone will change his/her mind about it all and cancel my brother's application...thoughts are roaming in my mind and I know that they shouldn't, but somehow, i can't censor them...Kadare would have laughed and felt wonderful about just having gotten enough material to write a new novel.

I feel like a dying giant who, with the grasp of his final bits of energy, is trying to stand up...I don't know why that analogy is appealing to me, but somehow, I do feel like i've fallen down and am having difficulty standing up...it must be Kadare! I should blame Kadare for everything wrong. :) Hoxha did/some Albanians today do.

I received a call a couple of weeks ago from a man who just moved here from Kingston. He came here from Prishtina in 1999 with his family, did his Master's in Engineering after proving to the university that he had worked in the power facility in Obilic until late 1998. He is now working on the Harbour clean-up project...I have yet to go out and chat with him, but he sounds lonely on the phone. His family is in Kingston, apparently, waiting for summer before they can move here. He, in the meantime, is looking for a used car to buy...I didn't really know where to send him for that....He asked about the other Kosovar family in town...I told him I'd check with them.

A good friend's father passed away Monday...it must be the sadness that his death brought that has affected me. I've been thinking what I'll do if my father dies, and I'm not there during his last minutes...It is sad to know that he will die without us having a chance to talk about the past...any effort of the sort would end in complete failure...It's also sad and slightly ironic that I'm wanting to study diplomacy when I couldn't resolve conflict between my father and the rest of my family...I may be being harsh, but it is something that is and has been part of me for so long.

Labels: date, Friday, Kosova, Kosovo, men, men problems, problems, sad

Adrien called me last Sunday, said he felt terrible about any misunderstanding there may have been, regarding the strange guy ruffling under the table...he asked if i was free anytime this week, to which I replied that yes, i was free friday night...

we went out tonight and had orange-canteloupe juice, chatted about various topics ranging from high school memories to future plans, took occasional breaks when our mutual friends would drop in to the cafe and say hi... later, we went out for dinner to a stir fry resto, which was great... He had a party to go to after, but opted to join me in watching a film at my house, so we watched Breakfast on Pluto.

There were some awkward moments, where I wondered whether he was expecting me to say something or not, but neither one of us did say anything, and instead opted to call it a night after the film...I don't know where we were and if this does repeat itself,I will raise the question...I just wanted tonight to be just a night of hanging out together. I didn't want to spoil the moment...

Adrien went to get his reading glasses, as his lenses were drying up, then to the party his friends were at...

I am now in bed and will be sleeping in a few minutes...

This isn't exactly what I would have hoped for, on my first date with Adrien, the cliqueish boy from high school, but it was an unusual "date", one that doesn't compare with any dates i've had in the near past, making it unforgettable...

The feeling of uncertainty and butterflies in my stomach feel strange and I wish I had a hint of what is happening between Adrien and I, but right now, even if i never heard from him again, I'd be happy. It's good to feel wanted..It's wonderful to feel alive again.

Labels: crush, cute, date, men, mr.right candidate

It was 16:45=4:45 pm when I realized that, having just made my way to the St.John's airport, my flight would be delayed by 30 minutes. Partly stressing because I had with me a Kadare novel that I had almost finished reading and partly because the duty-free shop,aka the magazine store was closed and I couldn't get the new GQ, I resorted to opening my laptop and reading, for the second time, some of the meeting documents I was to read for a mini-meeting of 6-7 fellow activists from across the country.

I had only come to the second page of the first document when a familiar face got my attention: Brett, a dear old friend from St.John's who had similarly found himself in Montreal at the same time as I had, was coming toward me.

I met Brett six years ago when, his uncle, a lawyer, had hired me as an interpreter for some refugee claimants who needed some documents translated. It was Christmas time and I, after meeting one of my first crushes since my arrival in Canada, had fallen for Brett. That day, I didn't ask him anything about his sexuality and neither did he. I wouldn't see him for another year.

I couldn't wait until the next year. I went to his uncle's X-mas party once again and he was there, though slightly inattentive, lacking in excitement, anti-social even. He seemed disinterested, which made me wonder why he was that way, whether I had said something wrong, whether in fact, my gaydar was right in putting this Irish descendant on the list of the double-male sandwiches.

His sister Mariah was kind enough to introduce herself and keep me company for the rest of the evening. As I left, I looked for him so I'd say good night. I went to one of the bedrooms where he and a few of my schoolfriends were chatting away. On my way out of the door, I hear him calling out my name. He ran down the stairs and asked if I was free anytime soon for us to go out for tea or coffee.

We went out, and I found out my guess was right, that indeed, this son of the newfound land was a rainbow hugger.During our date, I found out my newfound friend smoked grass and did some heavy drugs at one point in his life, had made six porn films, hadn't been in a monogamous relationship before but looked up to one in the future, if one did show up on the horizon. None of these points that Brett had so honestly pointed out, made me feel attracted to him. In fact, if anything, they made me feel physically disconnected from the guy I had so long thought I was attracted to.

Various things, mostly clashes in values came in the way of our second date. Brett was offended to hear that I would say no to him. This was the first time anyone had turned him down. I felt sad for weeks, not knowing what to do about the guy I had for so long wanted to date and then turned down on the first date.

I had seen Brett in Montreal, where he got his life together and started Mideast Studies and Arabic...I saw him here and there, on the street or a dance bar, but somehow, I always thought about whether or not he had forgotten this moment in our lives...and whether he got over the fact that I judged him and based my decision not to go out with him on the fact that he kept no secrets from me. Somehow, I still do think about these questions, every time I see him.

Seeing Brett at the airport brought all of the emotions back. Surprising, but at that point of the day, I couldn't have been happier to see him.

He had lost weight, still looked straight at me with his blue eyes and tried to look serious. The only change was how calm he had become. Brett always had anger issues, but seeing him on Friday was proof to me that people can change. He had little luggage and, aside from Courrier International, only carried a small bag and a shoulder man-purse.

He was headed to Middle East, Palestine and Israel, in fact, aside from Lebanon, Jordan and Syria, which he wants to visit simultaneously, all during his six-week break before going back to school in Montreal in the fall. There were many things that had happened in his life since I had last seen him, including a switch from an Israeli boyfriend to a Palestinian one that he had met in Montreal and had now left in St.John's. He looked self-confident, ready to embark on his new adventure, excited that he would finally see a part of the world he was so close to via his boyfriends.

We talked for almost two and a half hours, mostly about world issues and conflicts and also about Kosova, the future of the region, etc. A woman behind us complained, saying we were too noisy. We didn't really get any quieter.

I was moved to see Brett reading Courrier International, an issue on Kosova at that, which he said he picked up, as he wanted to keep in touch with the situation there now.

Somehow, despite my happiness to see him and the fact that I felt like I had been with Brett all my life, I could not see Brett as anything other than a friend. I was honestly glad that he had gone through a transformation I never thought he'd manage to go through. I say this because he didn't feel comfortable being who he had become five years ago, a drug addict forced to resort to any means just so he could get his fix.

We parted ways in Montreal, where he got to his connection to Toronto, the place he was going to stay in for a week and then make his way to the final destination, whichever middle Eastern country that was.

As we said our goodbyes, I hugged him and wished him all the best.

I felt like telling him I was proud of him and the strength he had had to go through a world of changes, including a drug rehab program, but once again, risking being misunderstood, I kept my thoughts to myself.

I didn't want to make our friendship any more awkward than it already had been in the past.

I turned my iPod on at the airport and listened to Adelina Thaqi's S'Mundem Më [Real Media File].

Labels: airport, date, friends, Montreal, St.John's

Darn calls from reception to interrupt my studious research paper-typing. I felt like turning off the ring on the phone, but I answer anyway.

"You have mail, sir", says the Senegalese receptionist who usually talks to me in French, and all of a sudden I feel like Scarlet O'Hara, whose love for Rhett Butler makes her even more racist than she usually is, in "Gone with the Wind". I start guessing what there is in the mail and I realise I guessed right when I get to reception.

Downstairs, I'm greeted with a box of roses. I open it up and what else can it be but Adam's blue roses! :)

I'm now in a state of bliss and am grinning, looking at the roses and the card, where Adam apologizes yet again for something he has no control over him...I wanna hug him so bad right now!!! :D I feel so happy, I could dance outside, in the cold rain, with my cold. This is one of the sweetest things someone's ever done for me.
Ok, uhhhmmm, back to studying...and up the Away mode again, while I think of the times that now feel like distant past.

Labels: AdamX, cute, date, men

I'm in a state of temporary bliss after a great date I had last night with my MSN flirtie.

For the first time in a while, I had a date that actually looked promising. He's 22, a big fan of litterature, a writer [currently working on his first work of fiction], a sucker for Manet paintings [awww, so classic... :) ] ...

We met at 7ish and by the time I got home, it was almost 1 am.

I thought maybe i'd see him once more before I left, but already today, he was wondering if we could go to the Museum of Fine Arts on the weekend [after I, of course, invited him to come dancing with Julius Ceasar and I. Ceasar is visiting la ville from CT...I just couldn't resist not inviting him]. So, I think I will definitely see him before I leave town....and more than once.

I was late for work this morning, but I didn't really seem too worried about it when I told my supervisor I was sorry to be half an hour late. She waved it off and said, "hmmm, it's fine...your hickey makes up for it" ... that's when i covered up my neck :P

Labels: date, men, Montreal

I just got back from Mika's concert. WOW! The guy is AMAZING. He is so energetic, so jumpy, so happy, so...wonderful! He made me so happy with his voice and energy, I kept dancing and singing with people I've never met or seen, and we even hugged and danced with one another! Bliss, I tell you! :) Sadly, Montrealers seem to have found out about him, so my dream of getting his autograph and/or a photo op. did not come true. This didn't stop me from taking photos of him tonight, though apparently he did ask photos not to be taken... They pics I took didn't turn out great, but here they are...

The good thing is, I will forever treasure Mika's new album. It's happy, lively and most of all, a rarity of quality corn pop. It's really a wealth of emotions bundled together in an album to which, once you listen from the beginning to the end, you will become addicted.

I was supposed to meet a few friends at the door, but they went in early to get some good seats and obviously didn't end up with good ones because I combed the place through and couldn't find them anywhere. So I kept walking around like a lost case as all the gay guys and teenage girls with their straight and sexually-confused boyfriends mingled and eye-flirted with fellow Mika maniacs.

Aside from the concert being a great, lovely night, I met a boy! Well, not a boy, more like an analogy for a cute single man who i am going out on a date with on Wednesday night...

It's odd because we had chatted online some time ago, on a day when my only social contact happened to be the cybersphere. I saw him tonight, he waved at me and said hi and I had no idea who he was and why he was saying hi to me, though I thought he was cute. I got back home and I already had a message from him, asking if the person he waved and said hi to was me. I clued in and messaged him back. He replied saying he thought I was cuter in person than in my profile photo. Why, of course... :)

The luck that I have, my three single teenager-looking straight friends were just outside the door as I left Club Soda tonight...Speaking of teenagers, I felt like one, wearing loose Levi's, Converse All Stars and the over-the-shoulder man-purse with a cowboy shirt...

Labels: concert, date, favourite music, men, Mika, Montreal, pop music